Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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