i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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