My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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