I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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