Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize