omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize