Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
