So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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