theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
