Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
