i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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