sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize