I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the day after is always just damage control
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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