I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
