the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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