All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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