I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
