My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
