I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize