I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
