You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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