Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
