dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
