If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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