His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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