We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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