If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
