oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
