you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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