I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
