i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize