I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
