my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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