If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize