see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
