hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
