My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize