i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
