my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
