Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
