Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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