i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
