your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
