You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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