New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
