I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
