i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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