Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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