Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
