Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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