I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize