TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
