I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
