a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
