You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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