Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
