even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
