If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
