i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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