apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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