So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
