totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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