don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
