I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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