I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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