Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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