Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
