My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
