i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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