i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
