i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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